Choices
by Ratwoman01
Summary: Peter Pettigrew recounts the choices he has made in his life


Disclaimer: Not mine, JK Rolwings boys.  
  
Rating: G?   
  
Pairing: PP/SB UST, sub-plot: SS/RL  
  
Yes, this is a story about Peter Pettigrew, from his   
  
Point of View. I got so fed-up with all the stories where   
  
Wormtail is depicted as dumb. Someone who deceived   
  
everyone who knew him and feigned his own death may be a   
  
lot of things, but certainly not dumb.  
  
Summary: Peter Pettigrew recounts his life and the   
  
choices he has made.  
  
Choices  
  
By Ratwoman  
  
Ratwoman@unicum.de  
  
Today was the second time I feigned my own death.   
  
The boy will blame the cat, most certainly.   
  
Here, in the Forbidden Forest no one will find me, even   
  
though I returned to my human form this night. That I   
  
hope. I have to take on my human shape from time to time,   
  
lest I forget what I am. Who I am.  
  
Padfoot is out to kill me. How did it come to this?  
  
*  
  
I knew Sirius long before any of the rest of the clique;   
  
we both grew up in Glastonbury. It's a weird city, a   
  
third of the population are wizards, a third believes   
  
themselves to be wizards, and the rest thinks us nuts.   
  
The real wizards there don't need to be so careful about   
  
not talking about magic in front of Muggles. Most of the   
  
Muggle tourists who come to visit Glastonbury Tor believe   
  
in magic anyway, the others think we're just nutters. You   
  
can even buy a huge amount of magical equipment in the   
  
esoteric shops that are at every corner in Glastonbury.  
  
I met Sirius first when we were about six; he shot blue   
  
ink through a water pistol at me, staining my clothes,   
  
and I had the choice: pretend that I find it funny and   
  
laugh or tell him off. He was bigger and stronger than I,   
  
so I decided to laugh.   
  
This choice made Sirius my new friend.  
  
At first I admired him immensely. He was so strong and   
  
brave and beautiful. Then I found out that I could easily   
  
manipulate him. I only needed to pretend to be the poor   
  
little weak Peter and that I needed his protection, and   
  
he would do anything for me.   
  
Then came the day we were send to Hogwarts.   
  
I remember the train ride as if it was yesterday. Sirius,   
  
pretty and out-going, made friends with two other boys,   
  
James and Remus. I benefited from Sirius drawing people   
  
to him like moths are drawn to a flame. I got their   
  
friendship because Sirius was my friend. Back then I   
  
thought that was enough.   
  
The Sorting.... My mother was a Hufflepuff and my father   
  
a Gryffindor, I expected to be sorted into one of these   
  
houses. When I saw that Sirius and Remus were both sorted   
  
into Gryffindor, my expectation grew into anxiety: I   
  
desperately wanted to be sorted into the same house.   
  
I shivered with nervousness as I crossed the long hall to   
  
sit onto the chair. I had to climb onto the stool because   
  
I was one of the smallest children of the year.   
  
Then I heard the Sorting Hat's voice in my head:  
  
"Hmm, you're ambitious and cunning, Slytherin qualities."   
  
it said.  
  
"NO!" I screamed inwardly, "NOT SLYTHERIN." I knew Sirius   
  
would break up his friendship with me if I was sorted   
  
into that house; he hated Slytherins, he was brought up   
  
to hate Slytherins.   
  
"Not Slytherin you say?" the Hat answered. "Hmm, there   
  
also is a lot of fire in you, but you wouldn't use it in   
  
the selfless bravery that is so typical for Gryffindors."  
  
"I would!" I swore and I begged. "I would, believe me!"  
  
The Hat chuckled slightly. "OK, then, but I think you   
  
would have done well in Slytherin." Aloud he called:   
  
"GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
Immense relief washed through me. I would not be   
  
separated from my friends.  
  
Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I had   
  
not talked the Sorting Hat out of putting me into   
  
Slytherin.   
  
Would I have been Sirius chosen enemy instead of Snape?  
  
If I say Sirius has been brought up to hate Slytherins I   
  
know what I'm talking about. I spend most of my childhood   
  
in the Black's house, because at home only beatings   
  
expected me. Sirius' parents both were Gryffindors, and   
  
for centuries every Black had been a Gryffindor. No   
  
single day passed without them making a disapproving   
  
remark about Slytherins. One could think being a   
  
Slytherin automaticly meant being evil, and being a   
  
Gryffindor being noble. I knew better, I had my father as   
  
an example for a nasty Gryffindor. Or is it a sign of   
  
nobleness that he literally tried to beat Gryffindor   
  
qualities into me?  
  
Sirius was out to make enemies with the Slytherins from   
  
the start, and he picked out one boy who was notorious   
  
for knowing lots of dark curses. I wonder whether Snape's   
  
reputation was not quite a bit exaggerated.  
  
I did not think Snape was so bad, but I never said a word   
  
when Sirius, James and Remus vexed him. Instead I   
  
helped them to prepare all their pranks, both the funny   
  
ones and the cruel ones. And some of their "jokes" were   
  
cruel, at least the ones they played on Snape. It's a   
  
miracle that Snape made friends with Remus despite it   
  
all.   
  
But before that happened we came behind Moony's secret.  
  
Sirius, James, Remus and I shared a dormitory, so it was   
  
unavoidable that we noticed sooner or later that Remus   
  
was sick once a month. Always at full moon. James finally   
  
decided to confront him with that.  
  
I hated James, by the way. Before he came, I was Sirius'   
  
best friend, now I was suddenly replaced by James,   
  
degraded to number two. James had taken away my beautiful   
  
Sirius and I loathed him for that. I never showed, I   
  
always pretended to like him, so that I would not   
  
completely lose Sirius' affection.  
  
I did not hate Remus, he was always nice and friendly to   
  
me, and he was not so close to Sirius to stand between   
  
us. So when James one evening asked casually: "Remus, are   
  
you a werewolf?" I was ready to defend Remus if James   
  
would have judged him for what he was.   
  
Being judged and dropped was exactly what Remus expected   
  
from us; I could see the fear in his eyes as he looked up   
  
to answer James' question. Yet he never attempted to deny   
  
it.   
  
"Yes, since I was four years old." he whispered. Then he   
  
told us the precautions Dumbledore had taken to protect   
  
the students from him. We listened silently, never   
  
judging, showing that we cared. This encouraged him to   
  
become even more open and he told us about the pains of   
  
the transformation, about the insatiable greed and hunger   
  
of a werewolf and that he bit himself in the full moon   
  
nights in desperation. He cried and we hugged him,   
  
reassuring him that we liked him despite what he was and   
  
that we'd always be there for him. In the back of my   
  
head, a small nagging voice told me that James, Remus and   
  
Sirius would never have been as understanding towards me   
  
if I was sorted into Slytherin as they were towards the   
  
werewolf.   
  
A few days later Sirius and James came to me with the   
  
idea of becoming animagi for Remus. His bloodthirst was   
  
restricted to humans, so if we spend the full moons with   
  
him in animal form he would not hurt us but we could   
  
prevent him from hurting himself.  
  
I thought about the dangers of becoming an animagus; a   
  
lot of wizards who had attempted it found themselves   
  
caught between their animal and their human form, that   
  
was why the ministry had put so many restrictions on it.  
  
I waged the dangers with what it would mean to Remus;   
  
after all we were friends. But I think what convinced me   
  
was the fact that James said he could understand if I   
  
thought it was too dangerous; after all, I only had a B   
  
in transformation while James and Sirius had an A. That   
  
was as good as a challenge, I had at least to try it and   
  
show them all that "poor little Peter" is no squib.   
  
It was mostly ambition that determined my choice to   
  
become an animagus.  
  
*  
  
It's nearly full moon. Guess in a few days Moony will   
  
transform, confined to the Shrieking Shack.  
  
*  
  
It took us a year's practice until we could transform   
  
into animals. The animagus cannot choose the animal he   
  
transforms into, it's rather the magic that chooses an   
  
animal that fits best to the wizard's character. James   
  
transformed into a stag, Sirius into a dog, and I - a   
  
rat!   
  
I was angry and disappointed at first, after all, who   
  
would want to be a rat? I found out later that being a  
  
rat had many benefits.   
  
*  
  
The years at Hogwarts passed in a twinkling. We spend our   
  
days and most of the nights with pranks and the full moon   
  
nights strolling the grounds in animal form.  
  
Strange that one evening in year six is especially clear   
  
in my mind. Remus had already befriended Snape, much to   
  
James' and Sirius' disapprovement.   
  
We were sitting at a table in the common room learning   
  
for our exams when Sirius in frustration slammed shut his   
  
history book.   
  
"I can never remember those facts!" he said, pouting. He   
  
looked more beautiful each year. His soft, black hair was   
  
almost waist length, his grey eyes were framed by almost   
  
girlish whimpers, and his body was strong and athletic.   
  
It was the time when I started having dirty thoughts   
  
about him; and suspecting James that he had more than   
  
just thoughts.   
  
"History is something you simply have to learn." I   
  
answered, shrugging. "Other than charms..." Charms really   
  
frustrated me, I could learn as long as I wanted, I never   
  
got them right. Same for Divination, Potions,   
  
Quidditch... In most of the other subjects I was   
  
somewhere in the middle of class, but never at the top.   
  
"The only thing I'm really good at is transformation." I   
  
said in frustration.   
  
"Oh, that's not true." Remus said in his friendly manner.   
  
"You've been really good at DADA this year."  
  
"Yeah," I said wearily, "that's because I studied the   
  
Dark Arts in my free time."  
  
My friends stared at me for a moment, then started   
  
laughing at the joke. If they only knew that I was   
  
telling the truth...  
  
Another truth was that being with my friends started to   
  
weary me out. I was just "poor little Peter" for   
  
everyone, the small boy who run after Prongs and Padfoot,   
  
the typical hanger-on to a popular clique. But what else   
  
could I do? Who'd accept me as a friend? The other   
  
Gryffindors? No, they spend their time admiring Sirius   
  
and James, if they talked to me then only because it   
  
might bring them closer to their idols. The Ravenclaws or   
  
Hufflepuffs? The Slytherins? No chance.   
  
My eyes travelled to Remus and I envied him; envied him   
  
that he had against all odds made friends with a   
  
Slytherin, with someone outside our clique. He could   
  
easily break out if he wanted to.   
  
A decision formed in my mind to separate Moony and Snape;   
  
Moony shouldn't have the freedom I didn't. I just did not   
  
know yet how.  
  
*  
  
I used Sirius. I still could manipulate him; not as   
  
easily as when we were children, but still...   
  
I told him that I knew that there was more between Remus   
  
and Severus - it was true, I had seen them snogging when   
  
they thought they were alone in an empty hallway.   
  
I told Sirius that I think that Snape will only hurt   
  
Remus. Sirius was easily convinced, after all Snape was   
  
his sworn enemy. I told him that Remus will run into his   
  
ruin if no one protected him. Sirius is very keen on   
  
protecting people, I guess it makes him feel stronger.   
  
I was surprised about the extreme measures Sirius took.   
  
Snape could have died if James had not come to save him.   
  
Sirius knew no limits, never stopped to think about the   
  
consequences of what he was doing.  
  
Not that I have foreseen the consequences of all of my   
  
choices.  
  
The Shrieking Shack incident also disrupted our gang.   
  
Remus did not talk to Sirius for months, James was   
  
trying desperately to mediate between the two, but it was   
  
clear to see that even James didn't know what to make of   
  
Sirius attempt on Snape's life. Things had worked out   
  
better than expected. I was closer to Sirius again.  
  
Yet Time heals all wounds, they say. The split between   
  
Remus and Sirius did not quite heal, but they reconciled   
  
after a while. James fell in love with Lily Evans and had   
  
less time for Sirius, yet I had to watch how over the   
  
years their friendship regrew almost as close as it had   
  
been, how they were still close after graduation, even   
  
though we all spend less time with each other. I was glad   
  
not to see them everyday; yes, I wasn't happy any longer   
  
just with being the third wheel. I believed I'd value   
  
their friendship more when seeing them would be something   
  
special, but that was not the case.   
  
I found work in the ministry of magic, but it didn't   
  
quite fill me. I wanted more. So, I spend my free time   
  
continuing my studies in the Dark Arts. The more I read   
  
about them the more fascinated I became. The Dark Arts   
  
provided so much power, so much strength...   
  
I started to admire Lord Voldemort, too. It seemed no one   
  
could defeat him, and I wanted to be on the side of the   
  
winners when the war was over. So I seeked him out.   
  
The Dark Lord was not easy to find. I had to spy, bribe,   
  
anything. And when I found his where-abouts in a hidden   
  
castle in the moor, nothing was sure yet. There were   
  
guards, and I knew I couldn't just bribe them or threaten   
  
them.   
  
I also couldn't sneak past them, so I gathered up all my   
  
courage and openly walked over to them. As expected, they   
  
pointed their wands at me and told me to stop.   
  
It was difficult to control my features, to not let them   
  
see that I was trembling with fear. My voice was shaking   
  
slightly when I told them that I needed to see their   
  
Lord, that I had an important offer for him.   
  
They took off my wand and led me inside. We walked   
  
through long hallways until we reached the Dark Lord. He   
  
was in a cosy room with a warm fire in the chimney,   
  
upholstered armchairs around a table where he and a few   
  
over men were sitting.   
  
The Dark Lord stood up; I saw with horrors that he was   
  
barely human. His skin was chalk white and covered with   
  
scales like a snake's skin. His eyes were red and   
  
slanted, and he was taller and thinner than any human   
  
being.   
  
I instinctively fell onto my knees and told him why I was   
  
here. Told him I wanted to be a Death Eater, that I was   
  
close to Potter and Black (they had become important   
  
opposers of Voldemort by now), that I could provide him   
  
with information, serve as a spy.  
  
"What do you hope for in return?" he hissed.  
  
Sweat was streaming down my face. "Power," I said,   
  
"knowledge, wealth. And Sirius Black as my personal slave   
  
when we've won." I tried to convince myself that I had   
  
said last thing to save Sirius.  
  
Lord Voldemort started chuckling. "You shall have him."   
  
he finally answered.  
  
I breathed out in relief. Voldemort needed my services.   
  
He had spies, but none was so close to the Order of   
  
Phoenix as I. He let me live. And he carved my arm in a   
  
ceremony so painful that I don't even want to think about   
  
it.   
  
*  
  
The Dark Mark faded after the Lord's defeat. When I look   
  
at my arm now, I can hardly see the lines forming a skull   
  
and a serpent. It used to be really dark at his life   
  
time.  
  
*  
  
I spent a whole year passing on information to the Dark   
  
Lord. Of course, it didn't go completely unnoticed, but I   
  
convinced Padfoot that Moony was the spy.  
  
Then one day, James and his wife had just gone into   
  
the hiding, when my Lord called for me.   
  
We were in his hidden castle, and he had only called me,   
  
which always made me more nervous than if he assembled   
  
everyone.   
  
"I want the Potters dead." my Lord said without   
  
precautions.   
  
I swallowed. True, I always had despised James and Lily,   
  
but to kill them? The Dark Lord noticed my hesitation and   
  
said sharply: "Is there a problem, Peter?"  
  
I felt panic arising. I had been under the cruciatus   
  
before and it was not an experience I wanted to repeat.   
  
"No." I said quickly. "I mean, yes, but not a moral one."   
  
I desperately searched my mind for an explanation of my   
  
doubt while he watched me closely. "They're going to   
  
hide, and Sirius Black is their Secret-Keeper."  
  
"Then bring Black to me." Lord Voldemort answered calmly.   
  
"Torture him until he tells you his secret."  
  
Now I felt sickness arising. He couldn't ask me to   
  
torture Padfoot, my oldest friend.   
  
"Um, that will be of no avail." I answered, wiping the   
  
sweat of my brow.   
  
"Will it not?" my Lord asked in a threatening voice.   
  
"I know Sirius," I said, "he'd rather die than tell it."   
  
I saw the Lord raising his wand and quickly added: "but I   
  
can persuade Sirius to change roles to let me be the   
  
Secret-Keeper!"  
  
With relief I saw that the Dark Lord let his wand sink.  
  
"Make it so." he said.  
  
*  
  
I went to visit Sirius the same evening. At a bottle of   
  
wine, I said: "You know, Sirius, I think we should switch   
  
roles."  
  
"Huh?" he answered, gazing at me over the brim of his   
  
glass.  
  
"You're the logical choice for Prong's and Lily's Secret-  
  
Keeper. Everyone will suspect you." I said. "They   
  
wouldn't suspect ME."  
  
Sirius didn't answer, but I could see at his slight frown   
  
and the way he passed his fingers through his hair - he   
  
always did that when he was undecided - that he was not   
  
convinced yet.   
  
"It's a perfect bluff. They will be after you while in   
  
reality I'm the Secret-Keeper. And when they find me I   
  
can just turn into a rat."   
  
Sirius' frown faded, but he still did not say yes or no,   
  
so I had to be more urgently: "Dammit, Sirius, I want to   
  
be of use! I don't want to sit and wait while you, James   
  
and Remus save the world. I want to DO something, do you   
  
understand? I don't want to be useless weak little Peter   
  
any longer!" I shouted the last sentence, surprised at   
  
real frustration in my voice.  
  
Sirius looked up with a friendly smile: "But you're not   
  
useless, Peter. And, yes, your plan makes sense. Let's   
  
switch roles."   
  
My relieved smile was genuine. I had succeeded.   
  
*  
  
So my Lord and I went to the Potters hiding place. James   
  
opened the door to me, smiling, but the look on his face   
  
turned to anger and horror when he saw the Dark Lord   
  
standing behind me. I watched Voldemort killing James,   
  
feeling nothing.   
  
The Dark Lord swept into the house and I followed him   
  
quietly, watching him kill Lily when she threw herself   
  
before her baby. Still, I didn't really feel anything. I   
  
had made my decision.   
  
Then my Lord tried to kill the child, but the unexpected   
  
happened. I heard him scream when the curse was reflected   
  
back, saw his body dissolving.  
  
I felt panic. The side I had chosen had lost. I run away   
  
and hid, thinking about what to do next.   
  
I knew, Sirius would try to kill me; he had tried to kill   
  
Snape for less. But I had a brilliant idea how to escape   
  
his wrath.   
  
This time, my choice was to kill a dozen people and blame   
  
Padfoot. Did I have scruple, pangs of conscience? Well, I   
  
did, but my will to survive was stronger. Rats can   
  
survive almost anything, can't they?  
  
I saw pure hatred in Padfoot's eyes when I met him on the   
  
street, the look he usually reserves for Slytherins. Yes,   
  
to my benefits, he looked quite like a madman.   
  
It was surprisingly easy. I just yelled at him that he   
  
had killed James and Lily, cut off my finger - strange,   
  
that I didn't feel pain at that moment - blew up the   
  
street and turned into a rat.   
  
I read that Sirius Black had been laughing all the time   
  
when the Aurors found him. Odd, how he played into my   
  
hands with his reactions.   
  
Then I heard rumours that the surviving Death Eaters   
  
thought I had betrayed them. I had to stay in the hiding,   
  
but I didn't want to keep away from human society, so I   
  
searched for a Wizards family who took me in as their   
  
pet. It was an easy life; the Weasleys were anything but   
  
rich, yet they fed me with the best food. Only at nights,   
  
when the family was sleeping, I took on my human form and   
  
walked through the fields and forests, unless I forget   
  
how to turn human.   
  
Now Padfoot escaped Azkaban. He's out to kill me, again.   
  
I don't have a plan yet how to survive this time.   
  
All I can think of is that Sirius is out to kill me.  
  
My oldest friend.  
  
My Nemesis.  
  
***  
  
The end 


End file.
